Hey batter, batter … hey batter, batter … SWING!

So, I'm home.

There will be no surgery today.

Since we started talking about this late Monday, I have tried to accept the deal. I have had long conversations with John and God, and myself at various times. And still. in the pit of my stomach I could not accept that this was the way to go.

On the way to the hospital today, I had a full-blown panic attack and just knew, knew, that this was not what was supposed to happen.

In.My.Gut.

I told John I couldn't do it. Well, actually my exact statement was "I'm not going to do it. I'm not."

Thus, as he was driving me to the pre-op appointment with the surgeon, I started making several calls to both my doctor (who was on rounds and had to be paged) as well as my PD nurse.

Options, There HAD to be options.

And there is one.

I will require me to be more fully and obsessively compulsive about three things:

1) My fluid intake. No more than 48 ounces a day. For someone who is considered a human faucet- this will be the hardest.

2) My weight loss. I need to lose 50 pounds for transplant. Alot of this has been added through fluid retention. If, when you were pregnant you had pre-emclampsia this is what I'm talking about. Stay Puff Marshmallow Man time, folks.

3) Exercise. We have committed as a family to walk at the park every day there is no foul weather- and at home with a DVD if there is. And, I need to make full use of the home gym we already have.

If I can do these three things, I stand a chance of staying on home dialysis and not going on hemo.

My body no longer can handle fluid intake, so unless I can control this, I cannot stay off hemo.

I feel like, in my head, I have turned a corner this morning. I have been scared half to death of something I didn't ever want- and it may be the catalyst I need to get moving again.

When I do things right, my numbers look great. When I don't, they don't.

When I feel good, I can get lazy. I need to remember that when I am feeling great, it is for a reason and not get lazy.

I told you, God has to use the 2 by 4 on this stubborn brain sometimes.

Batting practice is now over.

We return you to the regular game in session.