I had suffered endocarditis resulting in multiple mini strokes, seizures, etc. after being released to rehab, I had been read re-admitted. Another Christmas in the hospital.
Jonathan spent his winter break in Bend, watching me seize continuously,. Kati had wrapped herself in caring for our new granbbadughter, who at only a few weeks when this began, needed her momma. John, as I recently found out, bargained with the doctors and God I!m sure, for just 5 more days here, 5 more there - each time they came to have "the talk". Precious friends posted updates they received to FB, begging for prayer on our behalf.
I remember bits and pieces toward the end, John begging me to fight but conceding if it was too much he would let me go. What my husband endured those months, what our children endured, I can never comprehend. I do know they witnessed the covenant of marriage and love in action through the actions of their father As my brain would allow, I too bargained, begged, pleaded with God. Let me repair things with Kati, it cannot end this way. Let me enjoy this angel baby of hers awhile more. Let me see Jonathan walk for his diploma in 2016. Give me more time with John.
And here we were. Another Christmas in hospital. Not knowing, but not giving up.
And here we are. Not an easy road, but what is?
I have been struggling and finally realized why. Call it a 3am epiphany. We have yet to completely get through Christmas yet. I scan still end up there. Again. And it hit me, I. Gould also live in celebration rather than hesitation.
Here is a look into my heart right now-
Kati. My first born baby. Precious daughter, sister and now mother. The words between us as you grew have not come easily, and I regret the time I cost us. But know forever that I am proud of you through and through. You can do everything you set yourself to do . I treasure every moment with you. I hope to be the support you need every day I breathe.
Jonathan. The son I was terrified to have. What did I know about raising a boy? You inquisitive nature has given you a gift. Few people know the passion for what they want to do like you do. Embrace all that comes with it as a part of life experience, embrace the chance to learn.
John. Every day is a gift, though I do not always handle with grace or gratitude. I am sorry. I love you beyond any expression.
My Team. Thank you. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a
manger.” -Luke 2:9-12 Merry Christmas to all of you.